We start to die the second we are born

What do you mean i won’t be a teenage girl forever ?

I’m not going to say my age because I don’t feel comfortable, but I also feel like every age category can relate to what I’m feeling now. Ever since my 11th birthday, I have felt this undeniable dread and fear of growing up. It’s not physical, I don’t cry on my birthdays, I don’t even look like I’m unhappy. It’s all in the mind.

One moment, I’ll be happy that I’m growing up and have so many years ahead of me, then I feel this dread: it won’t be long until I become an adult, and what am I going to do then? What if I become old and lonely? What if my dreams don’t come true?

Every day, I curse myself for being born in this generation because it is true that life, years, days, they’re going faster because of how fast the earth is spinning (making time faster) or because of the childlike wonder I used to have escaping my body, going somewhere else, probably where everyone’s childhood goes, somewhere safe and free.

Everyone always says that somewhere deep inside us is our childhood, still connected to us. But I don’t feel that way, I’m pretty sure she already left me. I don’t even remember anything from my childhood, that bitch is long gone and I don’t blame her for leaving.

I’ve been through so many phases through my life in such a short period, I don’t feel connected to myself anymore because I know it’ll pass and my worse fear is that it will pass, that’s why I force everything, everyone, to stick with me because I don’t have the guts to leave it. I don’t want them gone, why would I? Every time I see them, it reminds me of my old self, and that makes me glad. Eccentric even.

All of my friends have grown up, but I haven't. I’m still grasping onto the last years of my childhood until it goes away, and that’s YEARS away! How am I already having such philosophical thoughts and issues at such a young age? Why can’t I be like the rest of my group? Young and ignorant.

Seeing people grow up hurts me even more. Why can’t you stay the way you are now? The way I like it. I already know everything about you, your habits, your likes, and your dislikes, but everything changes. And you’ll change too, without me. How am I supposed to figure that out? And then you’ll leave for your life aspirations, you’re supposed to be there for me.

I don’t want to be old and alone. I don’t want to become an adult and have to figure things out for myself. The mere thought of a problem scares me, but I’ll have to be the one to fix it. While I’m still mentally 9 years old, the world will not be kind to me.

I already know what’s wrong with me and what happened during my childhood, while I don’t remember anything else. But that’s for another newsletter.

I am still a child, I’d like to think I am. But everything is slipping, and age is so confusing. What do you mean when you’re 14, you’re 4 years away from becoming an adult, but 2 years away from becoming a kid again? What sense does that make?

The world is so cruel, too. People don’t even care that you’re still developing and your body is changing, you have to do this and this. And don’t mind that the world hates teenage girls for their mere existence. And this whole “girls mature faster than boys” thing doesn’t help. You’re excusing their nonsense and forcing little girls to mature faster than their age.

Mom, I will not magically wake up pregnant and have to care for a baby. I think I can have a few more years of my childhood before I have to learn all of that shit.

It’s no help that everyone around me is growing up faster, but not maturing. They still act like little kids behind their makeup and stupidly revealing outfits. But it’s not them that I hate.

I hate adults, and I don’t wanna be one. I don’t know when I found that out, but I hate them. They make me feel uncomfortable, like they’re going to pounce on me at any second. They always blame kids for everything, too. It’s like you lose your innocence, plus your kindness, when you grow up.

Adults ruin everything for kids, and they ruin everything for me. My life’s pretty much messed up because of them and their immature behavior. You learn to grow up, but not to mature up. Neverthelesss, there’s still a lot of miss Honeys here, especially the ones here. I think Substack is the only place where I feel comfortable talking to adults. You guys are sweet and reallllyyy cool ♡

okey end paragraph BYE